Through the Eyes of Someone Else

Last night as I was getting ready to fall asleep I had my iPod playing and Linkin Park’s Shadow of the Day came on and something about it inspired me. So I put it on repeat and here’s what I wrote:

This haunting melody flows through me;

I know not where it came from or what its purpose is

All I know is how it’s tugging at my heart.

How it is reaching inside of me and twisting me to pieces.

My reflection has been clouded for so long

Clouded by my indecisions and by the thoughts and intentions of others.

But I know I am still to be found.

And this cadence is unlocking the deeply buried side of me;

That part I had long believed was gone if not nonexistent.

I lie here surrounded by darkness

Ensconced only in this rhythm and followed only by my own thoughts,

My own doubts,

My own apprehensions.

How have I lived so long like this?

Shutting myself off.

Not going anywhere near to anything that might involve me and decision making

Not discussing anything that may require action.

What am I so afraid of?

I know this point comes for everyone.

How do they continue on as if it’s nothing when I’m here,

Stuck in this mire that is my uncertainty.

I want to wake up one morning with a pathway laid out before me.

I wish for that conclusive direction every time I close my eyes

Yet still I am not capable of drawing that pathway for myself.

I fear I do not have the quality which I do believe is necessary for any success I may hope to attain.

That quality of boldness.

Yes I know I can pretend, but who among us can’t?

What I’m desirous of is the real thing.

Not the boldness to create my own path necessarily,

But rather to follow the path I’ve always know was there beside me but that I was too scared to start on.

I know it’s for the best,

I’m fully aware of the benefits,

Yet the frightfulness of change is constantly keeping me caged within myself.

I need more than this stirring,

More than this beat that I am still hearing.

I need to start.

Take that first step.

Make my move.

And never look back.

The Path of My Mind

The air around me quickens and quivers

My heart beats like the last breaths of a dying dream.

Every drop of sweat,

Every swelling tear,

Every last inhale,

Caught up from my very soul

Dredged from so deep inside of me.

It’s pulling so relentlessly on the strings of my heart

Refusing me the peace that I’m discovering is all I truly desire

Refusing me even a modicum of relief.

A single, fresh, unencumbered breath.

Not another single moment of blackness

Just a second of that which is simple and ordinary.

-

I have no need for complications.

I in no way desire our waking moments to be so full of dread

So devoid of passion, desire, and true accomplishment

Wishing no longer to see the sky as the limit 

But rather to see it as the starting point of an unimaginable journey.

-

I refuse to listen to your negativity any longer.

It seeps out of you

Your words rest like weights in the air

Hovering above us with such a menacing bleakness.

How has this become us?

Since when have our failures begun to define us?

Since when have we allowed them to?

We must let the past fade

Leave it in the dust and start anew

I know it’s possible

I’m sure the ability is within me somewhere

Why did I let that drive go?

And what of us?

-

Is the future I’m beginning to hope for possible?

Is a life of joy and satisfaction an attainable goal?

Or is it all based in fantasy?

The real world knocking at my door in an increasing attempt to wake me up

To help me see the truth.

-

And sometimes I wonder

Not about anything in particular

Only about that which we have the power to change.

Our instinctive inclination to strive for something better

For every day we encounter that which we cannot change

And sometimes it stops us in our tracks.

Makes us look and think.

Not at the impossible looming but at ourselves.

What we personally are accountable for and whether or not we’re ready to stand before ourselves

Asking those questions, that when answered honestly, must make us act

Must make us move and change in accordance with the response received.

And that’s why, move often then not, we don’t ask

We keep walking.

-

I cannot let myself become that.   

JMD

12-7-11